002

I want to go back, but I can’t go back. & I shouldn’t. I will not.

After two years I finally decided to date again. It’s over after two months.
I shouldn’t be allowed to love, or be loved. I always ruin it. It’s unfair for them and myself.
I really thought I was ready for a relationship, but I rushed it. Well honestly I jumped into it. I guess what starts fast ends fast. We went into it knowing only the surface of each other.

I was so much happier alone, than being with someone. No arguments, other than self arguments. No complications. He loved me tons though. He really did. More so than any other guy. Which was frightening ‘cause I couldn’t love him back equally. 

I broke it off. I went into the relationship thinking that maybe my optimistic views will shine light onto his life. Maybe I could give him the love he deserves. I couldn’t handle it though. I wasn’t able to be 100% myself with him. I couldn’t express myself. I hid so many sides of myself, just so I didn’t have to worry him. He had tons to worry about already in his life. There were so many things he didn’t really like me doing, and vice versa too.

I didn’t want him to change though because of me and I didn’t want myself change ‘cause of him. I felt like I was though. I wasn’t the Anh Nguyen from the beginning of the relationship. I wasn’t open. Neither was he. I couldn’t see myself open up either..

I do feel it was all on me though. I couldn’t keep the promises, and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. Sigh. 

I really did love you. I cared for you a lot. Your well being, dreams, and everything. 

Distance didn’t really bother me, but it made it harder..

I just hope our relationship taught us both something. I wish I could somehow go back and just stayed as friends. I think I’m a better friend than a girlfriend ><

Blah I’m going to miss him a lot, but staying with him would of made me lose myself entirely.

I’ll never forget how much he loved me, and I’ll always resent not being able to love him back the same.

Please don’t hate me. =/ May our past make us better, not bitter. I’m really sorry I couldn’t put forth the effort to try to fix things. When my heart’s not 100% in to it. I have to step back. ‘cause it wouldn’t be fair for either of us. 

I need to find myself now. I need to just focus on school. I’m not even going to think about liking anyone. But if I do. I will not rush it.

I really hope he doesn’t go on a rampage of hurting girls.. ‘cause of me. I want him to focus on other things besides love. I want him to mainly smile on his own for once. Live life to his heart’s content. 

Please.